Reflection

Originally posted 1/25/12 http://trishlove.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/will-the-real-…lease-stand-up/ ‎

I've started this blog over and over again in my mind, trying to piece all of my thoughts together.  I started typing it the other day and stopped.  Why has it been so hard to spit this one out?   Because it is, perhaps, the most raw and honest blog I'll ever write.

Over the last year I've taken a lot of time to reflect on myself and how people see me vs. who I feel I am.  I haven't been happy with the discoveries.  In fact, I've been mortified.  That being said, I have a feeling if we all take time for self reflection, everyone has something about themselves they want to change.  Me, personally, have discovered many things.   I am determined to push forward and make some difficult, and challenging changes within myself in 2012.  One of those involves breaking down this wall that I built around myself so many years ago.

In a previous blog, I talked about my childhood and being a child abuse survivor.  I still count myself blessed to have survived such a rough beginning.  I've conquered the statistics.  Society would say that, someone who started out life the way that I did should have ended up dropping out of high school, pregnant as a teen, hooked on drugs and alcohol and become a child abuser myself.  At least, that's what is expected of someone like me.  And since that's been the trend for my biological family, it stands to reason that my path would have been the same.  Except, God had a different path for me.  He saved me.

There's something you need to understand about survivors of child abuse.  We are a rare breed.  When a child is abused, they become introverted, self-conscious, unsure of themselves.  Soon, a wall is built . . . it's a means of self preservation.  You see, if you build a wall, protect your heart, don't let anyone in . . . nothing can hurt you anymore.  You can no longer be vulnerable.   It's not done consciously, it just happens.  You can put on a great face to hide what is underneath.   This is just a persona . . . not even a reflection of what you are within.

You'll find that there are some who, unfortunately, do follow that same path . . . they don't know otherwise, it is, after all, their 'normal'.  There are some that move on with life and push the abuse they endured into the back of their minds, suppressing the details and pain.  They seem relatively self adjusted individuals and seem to lead a pretty normal life.   Please note, I did say "seem" to.  Regardless of what type of adults we turn into, the scars never disappear.

In my case, I came up swinging.  After years of keeping secrets and not defending myself, something erupted within.  The problem is, to some degree, I never stop swinging.  Those on the outside sometimes see someone who can be quick witted, outgoing, sarcastic, at times abrasive and unapproachable.  I have discovered recently, that people are often surprised when they actually catch of glimpse of who I really am.  I have also realized recently, that I never allowed myself to completely tear down that wall.  Never allowed myself to drop that persona.  It became comfortable, like an old pair of shoes, and, unfortunately, became a reflection of me.  At least, on the outside.

The truth about who I really am behind that wall and self confident persona?  Here's my reality, the person I live with everyday:   despite what you see, I do tend to be an introvert.  I am very far from being a social person.  I have always pushed myself to be out there vs. pulling the blankets over my head, which is a much more comfortable place to be. I prefer being home with my family  . . . watching tv or engrossed in a book.  I don't like confrontation.  I refuse to hate.  Hate to me is too strong of an emotion to ever feel.  Even towards those who have hurt me in my past.  In my house, the word 'hate' is not tolerated.  I love and have empathy for all people.  Yes, some drive me crazy . . .but, believe it or not, I love that too (although, you won't see me gush about it).  I love the diversity and the challenges they present.  I feel very strongly that every person who crosses my path, God has put there for a reason.   The self confidence you may see is nothing more then a mirage . . . I am, at times, crippled with self doubt.

I have many goals for myself in 2012.  One is to, brick by brick, tear that wall down.  It's been there for so long, I almost forgot I was hiding behind it, and almost forgot who I was. I want people to know me for who I really am.  This is the first step.  Even if only one person reads this, it has been freeing and therapeutic to write this down.  Another goal for myself this year, is to stop hiding behind that extra 100 pounds I seem to have accumulated over the last 15 years.  So far, I've kicked 5+ pounds to the curb!  I also want to make sure that all of my family and friends never doubt how much I love them.   Get better control over our finances and finally become stable.  I want to continue to develop my relationship with God.  And, I want to take my commitments to the scouting world more seriously.  Which means I want to become a better Cubmaster, better Cub Scout Roundtable Commissioner, and a better Troop Committee Chairperson.

That's a lot to accomplish in one year, but I've already started the leg work on most of it.  And, I know, with God's guidance, I can do anything.  Peace be with you all.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)