Reflection

Originally posted 1/25/12 http://trishlove.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/will-the-real-…lease-stand-up/ ‎

I've started this blog over and over again in my mind, trying to piece all of my thoughts together.  I started typing it the other day and stopped.  Why has it been so hard to spit this one out?   Because it is, perhaps, the most raw and honest blog I'll ever write.

Over the last year I've taken a lot of time to reflect on myself and how people see me vs. who I feel I am.  I haven't been happy with the discoveries.  In fact, I've been mortified.  That being said, I have a feeling if we all take time for self reflection, everyone has something about themselves they want to change.  Me, personally, have discovered many things.   I am determined to push forward and make some difficult, and challenging changes within myself in 2012.  One of those involves breaking down this wall that I built around myself so many years ago.

In a previous blog, I talked about my childhood and being a child abuse survivor.  I still count myself blessed to have survived such a rough beginning.  I've conquered the statistics.  Society would say that, someone who started out life the way that I did should have ended up dropping out of high school, pregnant as a teen, hooked on drugs and alcohol and become a child abuser myself.  At least, that's what is expected of someone like me.  And since that's been the trend for my biological family, it stands to reason that my path would have been the same.  Except, God had a different path for me.  He saved me.

There's something you need to understand about survivors of child abuse.  We are a rare breed.  When a child is abused, they become introverted, self-conscious, unsure of themselves.  Soon, a wall is built . . . it's a means of self preservation.  You see, if you build a wall, protect your heart, don't let anyone in . . . nothing can hurt you anymore.  You can no longer be vulnerable.   It's not done consciously, it just happens.  You can put on a great face to hide what is underneath.   This is just a persona . . . not even a reflection of what you are within.

You'll find that there are some who, unfortunately, do follow that same path . . . they don't know otherwise, it is, after all, their 'normal'.  There are some that move on with life and push the abuse they endured into the back of their minds, suppressing the details and pain.  They seem relatively self adjusted individuals and seem to lead a pretty normal life.   Please note, I did say "seem" to.  Regardless of what type of adults we turn into, the scars never disappear.

In my case, I came up swinging.  After years of keeping secrets and not defending myself, something erupted within.  The problem is, to some degree, I never stop swinging.  Those on the outside sometimes see someone who can be quick witted, outgoing, sarcastic, at times abrasive and unapproachable.  I have discovered recently, that people are often surprised when they actually catch of glimpse of who I really am.  I have also realized recently, that I never allowed myself to completely tear down that wall.  Never allowed myself to drop that persona.  It became comfortable, like an old pair of shoes, and, unfortunately, became a reflection of me.  At least, on the outside.

The truth about who I really am behind that wall and self confident persona?  Here's my reality, the person I live with everyday:   despite what you see, I do tend to be an introvert.  I am very far from being a social person.  I have always pushed myself to be out there vs. pulling the blankets over my head, which is a much more comfortable place to be. I prefer being home with my family  . . . watching tv or engrossed in a book.  I don't like confrontation.  I refuse to hate.  Hate to me is too strong of an emotion to ever feel.  Even towards those who have hurt me in my past.  In my house, the word 'hate' is not tolerated.  I love and have empathy for all people.  Yes, some drive me crazy . . .but, believe it or not, I love that too (although, you won't see me gush about it).  I love the diversity and the challenges they present.  I feel very strongly that every person who crosses my path, God has put there for a reason.   The self confidence you may see is nothing more then a mirage . . . I am, at times, crippled with self doubt.

I have many goals for myself in 2012.  One is to, brick by brick, tear that wall down.  It's been there for so long, I almost forgot I was hiding behind it, and almost forgot who I was. I want people to know me for who I really am.  This is the first step.  Even if only one person reads this, it has been freeing and therapeutic to write this down.  Another goal for myself this year, is to stop hiding behind that extra 100 pounds I seem to have accumulated over the last 15 years.  So far, I've kicked 5+ pounds to the curb!  I also want to make sure that all of my family and friends never doubt how much I love them.   Get better control over our finances and finally become stable.  I want to continue to develop my relationship with God.  And, I want to take my commitments to the scouting world more seriously.  Which means I want to become a better Cubmaster, better Cub Scout Roundtable Commissioner, and a better Troop Committee Chairperson.

That's a lot to accomplish in one year, but I've already started the leg work on most of it.  And, I know, with God's guidance, I can do anything.  Peace be with you all.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

Life is like a ball of yarn. . . . .

Originally posted on 10/11/11  http://trishlove.wordpress.com/2011/10/11/life-is-like-a-ball-of-yarn/

It's funny how different things can trigger a memory that had been long forgotten.  A sound . . .a smell . . . a food . . . a song . . .the sound of someone's voice. . . .the passing of a loved one. 

In my case, most recently, it was the illness and eventual passing of my lovely Grandmother.  I was brought back to my 16th Brithday.  It was the year I had decided I wanted to start a Hope Chest.  I wanted to make sure that, when I graduated and moved out into the world, I was prepared. 

I came home from my summer job, to find my Grandmother sitting in the living room of my parents home, holding one end of a piece of yarn.  She told me, with a satisfied little grin on her face, to follow that yarn all around the house, and I would find my birthday present.  And follow it I did.  From one room to another, and back again.  Up stairs, down stairs.  All the while, my Grandmother sat on the couch, her hands folded in her lap, smiling and chuckling to herself.  Finally, my yarn journey led me to my parents bedroom closet.  Inside, was a box of china my Grandmother had found at a garage sale.  Knowing that I had wanted to be prepared, she thought of me and picked it up.  I was delighted by this treasure!

As I reflect on that story, and my journey around my parents house . . .and the eventual discovery of my hidden treasure. . . . it made me think of life.  I began to realize how similar our lives are to a ball of yarn.  Like people, each ball of yarn is unique:  some are large, some are small; some are brightly colored, some are more muted; some are soft, some are course. 

We begin our lives at the beginning of the ball of yarn . . .and it unravels to be the story of our lives.  Sometimes we come across a tangled mess, or a knot . . . but we do our best to push past it.  Like my Grandmother, our Lord is quietly watching us, smiling and guiding us along on our journey, until we reach the other end of the ball of yarn.  What we find at the end of our journey is a treasure indeed.  "The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to His heavenly kingdom. To Him be glory for ever and ever. Amen."  2Timothy 4:18.

Enjoy each and every day of the unraveling of your ball of yarn!

Please Help

Originally posted on May 1, 2012 on  http://trishlove.wordpress.com/2012/05/01/please-help/

In 1John we are reminded of what it means to love one another, and even reminded of what love is:  "Whoever does not love does does not know God, because God is love." (4:8)  And then, of course, reminded of the ultimate gift:  "This is love;  not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sin.  This is how God showed his love among us:  He sent his one and only Son into the world that he might live through him." (4:10)

A while back, Kyle and I went down to Minneapolis for a basketball game.  When you live in rural Minnesota, you are, for the most part, relatively sheltered from the troubles of the world.  During our walk to Target Center, we observed many who were suffering and needing help.  This isn't a site we are used to seeing in our area.  You see it on the news, pictures on the internet and even when we travel up to Duluth.  The thing is, just because we don't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

As we were walking, one man in particular grabbed my attention.  He was sitting quietly with his back to a wall.  He was so very quiet, you almost didn't know he was there.  His head was hanging low.  He looked tired and lonely.  You could tell he had all of his belongings with him, which wasn't much.  It's funny when you think you can't live without these new shoes, or new video game . . .etc, and here is someone who has so little, and yet, lives.  Proof to me, that we don't really "need" anything but God. But, I digress . . .  He held a sign that simply said, "Please Help".   It was so simple and unintrusive.

But, we kept walking, not even pausing for a moment.  And as we did that, one thought came to me so strongly, "Would you know Jesus if you saw Him today?"  That caused me to look over at my shoulder again.  That thought has been haunting me since that day.  It has caused me to reflect on how we interact with one another . . . how we pass by those who need help.  We seem to live in a society where it is easy to turn our backs on those who are hurting or to not even notice them.   It is easier to judge one another and in doing so, try to build up our own self image, and to try to justify our own behaviors.  As though someone else's sins are greater then your own or their needs are somehow unimportant.

Was this God's plan for us when he sent us his one and only son?  To waste this precious gift and turn on one another??  We know that we are to live Christ like.  We know that we are to be there to serve our Lord and to help one another.  In 1John 2:28 we read, "And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming."  We should not read this, and point to our brothers and sisters in Christ, hoping that they get the idea.  We all do it though . . . we  read scriptures like this or hear an amazing sermon, and look at the person next to us with a smug expression, thinking, "boy, I sure hope they heard that!"   What we all need to be doing is looking within ourselves. What can we do to help each other if we can't recognize our own sins?

So my question is this, would you recognize Jesus if you saw him face to face today?  Do we really want to run the risk of casting him aside or should we treat everyone with the same love that we would Jesus?  We are called to love one another.  It's not easy.  Not by a long shot.  No one ever said living as a Christian is easy!  But isn't our salvation worth the effort?  As John tells us, "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

I know we can't solve all the problems of the world, but we do have one very powerful tool that sure can go a long way in trying:  PRAYER.  Praying for one another sure can go a long way!  It's the first step in loving one another.

Many blessings to you all!