Reflection

Originally posted 1/25/12 http://trishlove.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/will-the-real-…lease-stand-up/ ‎

I've started this blog over and over again in my mind, trying to piece all of my thoughts together.  I started typing it the other day and stopped.  Why has it been so hard to spit this one out?   Because it is, perhaps, the most raw and honest blog I'll ever write.

Over the last year I've taken a lot of time to reflect on myself and how people see me vs. who I feel I am.  I haven't been happy with the discoveries.  In fact, I've been mortified.  That being said, I have a feeling if we all take time for self reflection, everyone has something about themselves they want to change.  Me, personally, have discovered many things.   I am determined to push forward and make some difficult, and challenging changes within myself in 2012.  One of those involves breaking down this wall that I built around myself so many years ago.

In a previous blog, I talked about my childhood and being a child abuse survivor.  I still count myself blessed to have survived such a rough beginning.  I've conquered the statistics.  Society would say that, someone who started out life the way that I did should have ended up dropping out of high school, pregnant as a teen, hooked on drugs and alcohol and become a child abuser myself.  At least, that's what is expected of someone like me.  And since that's been the trend for my biological family, it stands to reason that my path would have been the same.  Except, God had a different path for me.  He saved me.

There's something you need to understand about survivors of child abuse.  We are a rare breed.  When a child is abused, they become introverted, self-conscious, unsure of themselves.  Soon, a wall is built . . . it's a means of self preservation.  You see, if you build a wall, protect your heart, don't let anyone in . . . nothing can hurt you anymore.  You can no longer be vulnerable.   It's not done consciously, it just happens.  You can put on a great face to hide what is underneath.   This is just a persona . . . not even a reflection of what you are within.

You'll find that there are some who, unfortunately, do follow that same path . . . they don't know otherwise, it is, after all, their 'normal'.  There are some that move on with life and push the abuse they endured into the back of their minds, suppressing the details and pain.  They seem relatively self adjusted individuals and seem to lead a pretty normal life.   Please note, I did say "seem" to.  Regardless of what type of adults we turn into, the scars never disappear.

In my case, I came up swinging.  After years of keeping secrets and not defending myself, something erupted within.  The problem is, to some degree, I never stop swinging.  Those on the outside sometimes see someone who can be quick witted, outgoing, sarcastic, at times abrasive and unapproachable.  I have discovered recently, that people are often surprised when they actually catch of glimpse of who I really am.  I have also realized recently, that I never allowed myself to completely tear down that wall.  Never allowed myself to drop that persona.  It became comfortable, like an old pair of shoes, and, unfortunately, became a reflection of me.  At least, on the outside.

The truth about who I really am behind that wall and self confident persona?  Here's my reality, the person I live with everyday:   despite what you see, I do tend to be an introvert.  I am very far from being a social person.  I have always pushed myself to be out there vs. pulling the blankets over my head, which is a much more comfortable place to be. I prefer being home with my family  . . . watching tv or engrossed in a book.  I don't like confrontation.  I refuse to hate.  Hate to me is too strong of an emotion to ever feel.  Even towards those who have hurt me in my past.  In my house, the word 'hate' is not tolerated.  I love and have empathy for all people.  Yes, some drive me crazy . . .but, believe it or not, I love that too (although, you won't see me gush about it).  I love the diversity and the challenges they present.  I feel very strongly that every person who crosses my path, God has put there for a reason.   The self confidence you may see is nothing more then a mirage . . . I am, at times, crippled with self doubt.

I have many goals for myself in 2012.  One is to, brick by brick, tear that wall down.  It's been there for so long, I almost forgot I was hiding behind it, and almost forgot who I was. I want people to know me for who I really am.  This is the first step.  Even if only one person reads this, it has been freeing and therapeutic to write this down.  Another goal for myself this year, is to stop hiding behind that extra 100 pounds I seem to have accumulated over the last 15 years.  So far, I've kicked 5+ pounds to the curb!  I also want to make sure that all of my family and friends never doubt how much I love them.   Get better control over our finances and finally become stable.  I want to continue to develop my relationship with God.  And, I want to take my commitments to the scouting world more seriously.  Which means I want to become a better Cubmaster, better Cub Scout Roundtable Commissioner, and a better Troop Committee Chairperson.

That's a lot to accomplish in one year, but I've already started the leg work on most of it.  And, I know, with God's guidance, I can do anything.  Peace be with you all.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

Life is like a ball of yarn. . . . .

Originally posted on 10/11/11  http://trishlove.wordpress.com/2011/10/11/life-is-like-a-ball-of-yarn/

It's funny how different things can trigger a memory that had been long forgotten.  A sound . . .a smell . . . a food . . . a song . . .the sound of someone's voice. . . .the passing of a loved one. 

In my case, most recently, it was the illness and eventual passing of my lovely Grandmother.  I was brought back to my 16th Brithday.  It was the year I had decided I wanted to start a Hope Chest.  I wanted to make sure that, when I graduated and moved out into the world, I was prepared. 

I came home from my summer job, to find my Grandmother sitting in the living room of my parents home, holding one end of a piece of yarn.  She told me, with a satisfied little grin on her face, to follow that yarn all around the house, and I would find my birthday present.  And follow it I did.  From one room to another, and back again.  Up stairs, down stairs.  All the while, my Grandmother sat on the couch, her hands folded in her lap, smiling and chuckling to herself.  Finally, my yarn journey led me to my parents bedroom closet.  Inside, was a box of china my Grandmother had found at a garage sale.  Knowing that I had wanted to be prepared, she thought of me and picked it up.  I was delighted by this treasure!

As I reflect on that story, and my journey around my parents house . . .and the eventual discovery of my hidden treasure. . . . it made me think of life.  I began to realize how similar our lives are to a ball of yarn.  Like people, each ball of yarn is unique:  some are large, some are small; some are brightly colored, some are more muted; some are soft, some are course. 

We begin our lives at the beginning of the ball of yarn . . .and it unravels to be the story of our lives.  Sometimes we come across a tangled mess, or a knot . . . but we do our best to push past it.  Like my Grandmother, our Lord is quietly watching us, smiling and guiding us along on our journey, until we reach the other end of the ball of yarn.  What we find at the end of our journey is a treasure indeed.  "The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to His heavenly kingdom. To Him be glory for ever and ever. Amen."  2Timothy 4:18.

Enjoy each and every day of the unraveling of your ball of yarn!

Please Help

Originally posted on May 1, 2012 on  http://trishlove.wordpress.com/2012/05/01/please-help/

In 1John we are reminded of what it means to love one another, and even reminded of what love is:  "Whoever does not love does does not know God, because God is love." (4:8)  And then, of course, reminded of the ultimate gift:  "This is love;  not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sin.  This is how God showed his love among us:  He sent his one and only Son into the world that he might live through him." (4:10)

A while back, Kyle and I went down to Minneapolis for a basketball game.  When you live in rural Minnesota, you are, for the most part, relatively sheltered from the troubles of the world.  During our walk to Target Center, we observed many who were suffering and needing help.  This isn't a site we are used to seeing in our area.  You see it on the news, pictures on the internet and even when we travel up to Duluth.  The thing is, just because we don't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

As we were walking, one man in particular grabbed my attention.  He was sitting quietly with his back to a wall.  He was so very quiet, you almost didn't know he was there.  His head was hanging low.  He looked tired and lonely.  You could tell he had all of his belongings with him, which wasn't much.  It's funny when you think you can't live without these new shoes, or new video game . . .etc, and here is someone who has so little, and yet, lives.  Proof to me, that we don't really "need" anything but God. But, I digress . . .  He held a sign that simply said, "Please Help".   It was so simple and unintrusive.

But, we kept walking, not even pausing for a moment.  And as we did that, one thought came to me so strongly, "Would you know Jesus if you saw Him today?"  That caused me to look over at my shoulder again.  That thought has been haunting me since that day.  It has caused me to reflect on how we interact with one another . . . how we pass by those who need help.  We seem to live in a society where it is easy to turn our backs on those who are hurting or to not even notice them.   It is easier to judge one another and in doing so, try to build up our own self image, and to try to justify our own behaviors.  As though someone else's sins are greater then your own or their needs are somehow unimportant.

Was this God's plan for us when he sent us his one and only son?  To waste this precious gift and turn on one another??  We know that we are to live Christ like.  We know that we are to be there to serve our Lord and to help one another.  In 1John 2:28 we read, "And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming."  We should not read this, and point to our brothers and sisters in Christ, hoping that they get the idea.  We all do it though . . . we  read scriptures like this or hear an amazing sermon, and look at the person next to us with a smug expression, thinking, "boy, I sure hope they heard that!"   What we all need to be doing is looking within ourselves. What can we do to help each other if we can't recognize our own sins?

So my question is this, would you recognize Jesus if you saw him face to face today?  Do we really want to run the risk of casting him aside or should we treat everyone with the same love that we would Jesus?  We are called to love one another.  It's not easy.  Not by a long shot.  No one ever said living as a Christian is easy!  But isn't our salvation worth the effort?  As John tells us, "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

I know we can't solve all the problems of the world, but we do have one very powerful tool that sure can go a long way in trying:  PRAYER.  Praying for one another sure can go a long way!  It's the first step in loving one another.

Many blessings to you all!

You're a sinner!!

That's a tough statement to hear, isn't it?  I remember the first time I heard that in church, that we're all sinners.  I remember looking at the people around me, thinking, he can't be talking to me?!  Truthfully, my inner monologue went something like this, "Me?  What the hell?  Who are you to judge me? Screw you!"  Yea, not very flattering, but sometimes, honesty isn't always all that flattering.  But, I'm fairly certain that we've all had inner monologues we're not always proud of.  That's one of the many things that makes us all sinners.

It took me a while, but I finally began to realize, I was offended because I didn't want to look within myself.  No one ever wants to admit the ugly they have within.  The problem is, we all have the "ugly within" ~ even the nicest people we know.  Most don't want to admit it.  It is, after all, a tough pill to swallow.  Admit that we have faults?  Admit that there are times we think negatively about our fellow man?  Admit that we gossip?  Admit that we've used the Lord's name in vain?  The list of man's sins goes on and on.

Unlike our judicial system, the Lord views all sins equally putting no one sin greater then another.  In other words, in the Lord's eyes, if you murder someone or if you stole a pencil from the local dime store, guess what ~ level playing field in the Lord's eyes.  Tough to hear, isn't it?  It's difficult, as Christians, to remember that.  We live in a society run by a judicial system that says just the opposite.  Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that someone that goes on a shooting rampage should be treated like someone who stole a candy bar from the local dime store.  The judicial system is in place to protect us.  However, as Christians, it's our responsibility to practice forgiveness and love one another, regardless of the sin.  Again, not always an easy pill to swallow.

My husband and I were having a discussion about all of the legal reports that are published in the local papers and the amount of gossip and rumors that those can cause.  We've all seen them, right?  The traffic reports, finance reports and the court reports.  Sadly, these things are often the basis of gossip and rumors.  "Did you see so-and-so filed bankruptcy?"  "Did you see so-and-so didn't pay their property taxes?"  "Did you see so-and-so was pulled over for drinking and driving?"  The list goes on and on. 

During the course of the conversation, I wondered, what prompts people to read those things anyway?  My husbands response, "I read them because they make me feel better about myself."  And that's when it hit me:  He's exactly right.  He didn't mean to give me the answer I was looking for, he was just being completely honest.  This is why people read these things, and worse yet, why they turn that and other things into gossip and rumors:  it diverts their attention from their selves and their own "ugly within".  It's how we are as a society in general.  We focus on what others are doing wrong, because it makes us feel better about ourselves.  As though their sins are more severe then ours. 

Some of you may not agree with that, which to me, only further proves my theory.  And that's ok.  I love you anyway.  Am I perfect?  Not by a long shot.  I don't even pretend to be.  I know what my sins are, do you know what yours are?

As we approach 2011, I have a challenge for everyone (including myself).  When you read these things, or you hear gossip or rumors, rather then feeding the "rumor fire", pray for them.  Pray for the person who's gossiping, pray they they find peace within themselves.  Pray for the person the gossip is about.  We don't know each others stories, or what puts us in particular situations.  When someone approaches you and says, "did you hear about so-and-so", consider these prayer requests.

In the end, there is one who can judge us, and that is the Lord himself.  We are all sinners saved by His grace.  Lets focus on admitting and correcting our own sins, this is truly how we'll lead others to Christ.  By example.

God, you know my foolishness. My sins aren’t hidden from you.  Psalms 69:5

My Journey

During my time in the church, I have learned that Christians generally tend to have two answers about when they came to know Christ:  #1  I was raised in a Christian family, church has always been part of my life  or #2  One day, during a specific event, "I had an ah ha moment".

As a matter of clarification, I, personally, don't feel that answer #1 is necessarily a clarifying statement.  I don't believe that being raised in a Christian home, necessarily makes you a Christian, nor does it attest to your relationship with Christ.  I do believe that being raised in a Christian home can help you and aid you in how you treat others and your general attitude on life, and hopefully, this gives you the tools to develop your personal relationship with Christ.

As for me?  I obviously didn't start out in a Christian environment, nor did I have that "ah ha moment".  For me, I've had random moments of generalization.

When I was first put into foster care, I was angry, bitter, scared.  My personal relationship with Christ was, in my eyes, non existent.  For about the first 6 months to a year, I struggled.  I struggled with being in a new school, a new home and therapy.  Despite my struggles, there were many things I was instantly thankful for.  Warm meals.  As shallow as this sounds, I was thankful for:  new clothes.  I was able to go shopping and buy new clothes.  Something I had never done before.  (on a side note . . . as excited as I was about that, I'm not a shopper.  Never have been, don't think I ever will be).  And friendships with my peers.

As a means for "Prince Charming" to keep his secret, more often then not, I was grounded for some reason or another.  For me, this meant confinement to my room in the basement without meals. This is where my books came in very handy.  I was, of course, allowed upstairs to do my chores, which consisted mainly of doing the dishes, vacuuming, dusting, and my personal favorite ~ picking up dog poo in the yard.  As gross as that was, I often took my time with that one.  Aside from walking to and from school, the library, or the church, this was often my only opportunity to be outside.

Stored next to my room, was the food the "Host" received from commodities.  If you're unfamiliar with commodities, it was a food program for Native Americans.  Canned fruit, vegetables, corn syrup, peanut butter and cheese.  When I would be brought upstairs to take care of the dishes, I would often slip the can opener in a pocket or hide it in the stair well when no one was looking.  Needless to say, I ate my fair share of canned fruit and peanut butter, and yes, the occasional "sip" of corn syrup.  It took years before I could eat peanut butter or canned fruit again ~ shocker right?  So you can understand my deep appreciation for warm, healthy meals.

But, I digress.  As time went on, I began to thrive.  My relationship with my foster parents, who, from here are out are simply, my parents.  My friendships with my peers were excelling.  There was even a boy or two in the mix.  I was in one on one therapy as well as group therapy, and both went very well.  I was on the B honor roll in school.  I was in sports, drama and choir.

My senior year of high school, when I went to my final court hearing, the judge told me how proud he was of me.  How absolutely impressed he was by how far I had come.  I can't even begin to tell you how much that meant to me.

I could continue on from here, and highlight all the details in my life that I finally looked back on (many years after the fact), and realized, God has always been with me.  But, as there are many of those moments that have occurred in my 35 years of life, I don't want to bore you, so we'll flash forward a bit :-).

My realization came slowly, with my first knowledge being "everything happens for a reason".  Progressed to, ok, yes, God is there, BUT, I don't need to be baptized, baptize my children, OR get out of bed on Sunday mornings to prove my beliefs.  If God loves me, he'll love me even when I'm in my own home.

Truthfully, I do still firmly believe that going to church isn't what makes me, or anyone else for that matter, a Christian.  You've heard the saying, "going to church doesn't make me a Christian anymore then standing in the garage makes me a car".  Very true.  The church building itself isn't a magical place.  It's just a building.  A group of believers congregating in the park, at the mall, in someones living room ~ you get the idea, will have the same affect.

I believe that having Christ in your life is a constant journey.  There will always be trials and tribulations.  The firmer you are in your faith, the more we seem to be tested.  I am happy to say, I have finally become strong enough, that regardless of what obstacle stands before me, I know I can over come it because God is with me.

I am also happy to say, that on December 12th, myself, along with my children, will be baptized.  A huge turning point in my life, as well as a joyful one.  My personal relationship with Christ has given me new light on life and I look forward to my continued journey and developing an even stronger bond with our Lord, and hopefully helping others along the way.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.  Psalm 62:1-2

So many blessings . . . .

As many people do, on Thanksgiving, I often take time to reflect on all the things I'm thankful for.  The very first thing I'm thankful for, that summer night so many years ago when I was given a second chance on life.  On that particular night, was I thankful?  The answer is not only no, but a big 'ol heck no!  As I said before, this was the night I turned away from God.

That may seem confusing to most.  Why on earth would I not be thankful and praising our Lord for being taken from the environment I was in?  The answer is actually very easy.  When you're raised in dysfunction, it's what you know . . .it is your "normal".  And while I knew it wasn't right, and I was scared, alone and unhappy, it is what I knew.  Being taken away from your "normal" and thrust in a crisis shelter surrounded by strangers, being visited frequently by law enforcement and social services was traumatic.  Crazy really . . . I was living in trauma, and being taken away from it was traumatic for me.

I was angry with God for taking me from my home, for punishing me instead of "Prince Charming".  You see, he didn't serve time for what he did.  Why?  Because in my fear, I denied everything.  I was afraid of him, afraid of everything . . .I just wanted to go home.

Ironically, what had happened that night, was exactly what I had prayed for.  I had prayed to God to help me.  And, He did.  It took me many, many years to figure that out.  Too many years actually.

I was asked once, not so long ago, how I knew about God, and how I knew to pray.  At the time I was asked, I had to sit back and think about that.  I had no idea.  I, obviously, wasn't raised in a christian environment.  The only time I heard about God or Jesus was in vain, and certainly not in reference to scripture.

Because of the way things were, I wasn't allowed to go out much.  "Prince Charming" couldn't risk his secret being discovered.  I was allowed to go to school and to the public library.  This is where my love of reading came from.  I was able to dive into other worlds, submerge myself into fantasy and escaping my own reality.  There is one series in particular that I read over and over ~ The Chronicals of Narnia.  I had no idea how spiritual these stories actually were, I just knew that I wanted to be like those kids . . .I wanted someone who loved me and believed in me like Aslan did them.  A couple of years ago, knowing how important these books were to me, my wonderful husband purchased this series for me for Christmas.  No gift has ever touched me the way that did.

On one of my many trips back and forth from the library, I often walked by two churches that were near my house.  One was a Lutheran church, and I knew many of my classmates went there.  So, I avoided that one.  There was also a Baptist church right behind my house.  I was curious.  I asked the "Host" if I could go to that church, to see what it was all about.  She, of course, had to get permission from "Prince Charming" first, who, surprisingly, agreed.  I later realized he had ulterior motives, but that's another disgusting story.

So, I started going over there by myself on Sunday's.  I honestly don't remember much, except the singing.  Singing those songs made me feel free and light.  Which is where my love for singing came from.  My favorite song, to this day, is Jesus Loves Me.  I felt safe there.  No one questioned me.  No one teased me.  People were nice, warm and welcoming.  I was invited to attend their Vacation Bible School . . .I vaguely remember going.  What I remember the most, was the singing, and how safe I felt.  To this day, singing praise songs and hymns still touch me in that way.

The day I was asked how I knew to pray, and how I knew God was there, I never did answer the question.  I didn't have an answer.  It's been a couple of years.  And during that time, I've traveled a little further down my path on my journey of faith.  And now, I believe, I have the answer.  I didn't "know", at least, not consciously.  The answer is this:  the Holy Spirit has always been with me.  Guiding me.  Comforting me.  Giving me strength. 

So, on this day, I am so thankful for so many things.  I am thankful for God, and His presence in my life ~ even when I didn't want Him there, and when I didn't think He was there.  I am also thankful that He is so forgiving and understanding.  I am thankful for prayers answered.  I am thankful for my parents, who, without hesitation, took in an angry, scared and damaged young lady.  They endured a lot during my healing process.  I am thankful for my wonderful husband, who understands me and who I am in a way that no one else ever has or ever could ~ and loves me unconditionally despite that.  I am thankful for my three beautiful children.  They are physical proof of God's blessings to me.  I am, of course, thankful for our warm home, my wonderful and loving dogs, my wonderful friends and my church family.  So many amazing people have come and gone in my life, each leaving a foot print.  And each, unknowingly, have helped me along my way.

I hope that everyone feels as blessed as I do on this Thanksgiving day, and everyday.  Many blessings to you all.

Play Nice Kids!!

See that little red headed girl?  What a doll huh?  That was me . . .well, kind of.  You take away the curls, and make the red hair a little deeper ~ and batta bing, you have me at 5 years old.  Why am I using a picture of Little Orphan Annie?  Well, I was contemplating what I should blog about next . . .what part of my journey I should share.  (not to mention, I used to daydream that someday, Daddy Warbucks would come take me away too)  And, the image that kept popping into my head was my Kindergarten picture.  Now, if I could have found that, I'd have gladly shared that instead.  

There's a bit of a time gap in my school pictures.  I have my Kindergarten picture (somewhere in the land of the lost) and then nothing until 7th grade.  Admittedly, it's kind of sad to not be able to look back at each years pictures to see my growth, and how I changed . . .much like I enjoy comparing my childrens pictures each year.  On the same token, I remember what those years of my life were like, and I realize, I really don't want to see my growth or changes.  The contrast between my Kindergarten picture, a healthy, happy cute little girl (yea, I'm biased) and how I looked when I was put in the crisis shelter that summer night is frightening.  I don't remember much, mainly because one's self perspective is often skewed.  What I've been told was this:  at 5'3"(ish) I was vastly under weight weighing in somewhere between 70-75 lbs.  Stringy hair and pale gaunt face.  And of course, freckles galore (ok, that part hasn't changed).  My clothes were always outdated and always too big.

Elementary school was difficult for me.  It's hard to fit in with kids when you're not involved in things outside of school and you're not allowed to go to other peoples home . . .and even more so, when you don't want other people to visit you.  Kids in school were often mean, teasing me about my appearance or anything else they could think of  (which, at an elementary level, is thankfully limited).  Kids on the bus were down right cruel.  Boys had fun smacking me with books, spitting on me, or tripping me when they had the opportunity.  Needless to say, when I had the opportunity to walk to and from school, I took it. 

For many children, school is their safe haven.  It's where they can be safe and be away from a sometimes, very dysfunctional family.  The problem though, is that children are (as they should be) simple creatures.  For the most part, they base their likes and dislikes based on how things look.  How often have you witnessed a child not wanting to eat something because it "looked weird" or not wanted to read a book because it "looked boring"?  Not to mention, of course, the concept of "if my friends don't like it/them, I won't either".  How often, do we, as parents, let critical comments slip out of our mouths about a stranger or even someone we knows appearance?

There was a point in time where I held a lot of bitterness towards those children who teased so harshly.  I realize now, it's not their fault.  Kids, by design, aren't cruel.  What I can do, however, is try to break that cycle and hopefully instill better qualities in my own children.  They don't realize how much their harsh words can impact someone.


When I was in high school, our speech class performed a play for the entire school, and the 5th and 6th graders.  It, in my eyes, was a very powerful play, and I was truly blessed to be part of the project.  The play was called "Carl".  It was about a young man who was teased constantly at school.  No matter what he did, he wasn't good enough.  At the end of the play, it became too much for Carl, and he took his own life.  Sadly, that play hasn't been performed since 1994.  And now, with teen suicide and violence on the rise, the message from that play is needed now more then ever. 


As parents, it's our responsibility to help our kids be open minded, and not 'judge a book by it's cover'.  It's important to remember, what you see, isn't always what you get.  Everyone has a story.  Take the time to get to know someones story. . . .to find out where they are in their faith journey.   If they haven't started yet, then maybe that's your opportunity to plant the seed.